Pennies

It's lost the value. Your morals are shot, and slowly slinking down the drain. But don't worry, He said that He would be there. Always; never failing. Til the end, I promise you. It will not fail, your faith. It'll get stronger.

The value of things in life have become nothing.
You are pennies on the dollar.

These are the things you tell yourself when you wallow in the dark. You never seem to lift your head to see the great around you. What you've done, become, created will never be what you wanted or enough. Why can't you let it be enough. Not for anyone else, but for your damn self.

You can be all that you need. Just let go. Let yourself be the you the you've always needed. Be you. Be the you that I know you can. You are enough. You are beautiful. A mother. A mother who tries. So that makes you great. You are intelligent and still learning. Still gaining. You love even when it's not the best thing to do. You cry, and that's ok too. You are you. And I have never been so proud. I have never been so proud to know you. To know me.

This is your Kingdom. Rule it.

Honestly, Honesty is a Bullshit Policy.

My greatest fear is never being able to truly love someone because of my own selfish wants and desires. And therefore, never being loved or in a healthy committed relationship.




And now you know me.
I hope these words make up for all the things I've ruined and slaughtered. Just know I never really meant it.

I Hate The Way I Get.

Sometimes, wanting for the sake of wanting is bullshit.

Pricy cheese. Spa days. Sweet ass rides. Fluffy socks.
Is there a reason we can't just be happy with what we've got?

Cool stuff won't help us sleep at night, right?


Listen up Wolf Pack! If you don't like who you are; if you don't like the world around you; if you wake up every morning feeling hopeless, scared and sad... it's never too late to stand up and change.
Sometimes, you'll never find out what you need if you don't give it a try.

What do you want?
I want friends. I want never ending love. I want family that I can be proud of. I want something that makes no damn sense. I want cream cheese wontons and a peaceful mind. I want clean socks without holes. I want something that makes my heart pound. I want to be so scared, so damn scared that I almost shit. I want things just because I don't have them. It's bullshit.

I want to make my own decisions,
my own possibilities.
I can't escape this. I don't fit in with any of this. My mind is lost. I can't understand any of this.

It's only in your head, kid.

Your heart isn't rotting. It's not falling apart.
You're beautiful. You may be crazy, but all the good ones are.

Don't wish for it. Work for it.

I can't tell you how much thing hurt when you don't get what you want. When life fights with you, fight back.

Life will change. Someday.

No Such Thing.

There is no such thing as pain.
Pain is an idea invented to express something that doesn't feel natural. Such as being stabbed.
Pain, in all reality, is beautiful because it is meant to tell us that what is happening isn't pleasant.  Such as being stabbed.

So right now, I feel pain.
Not because I was stabbed. But because what I feel seems like it can' be fixed.
Because I feel tears welling up in my eyes. And because I'm scared that what I love is gone.
 

The Ruiner.

I am The Ruiner.

Not to be confused with The Punisher.

Anything lovely or nice. I will kill it. I hope you know that.

Thanks, Mind.
I hate you.


The way my mind works, or lack there of, is it finds the need to destroy. When a compliment is presented it must be a lie. And when a person enters my life, they must hate me and want the worst for me. I never would wish this mind on anyone. I think too much.

And on the other hand, my mind works and processes tons and tons. I get bored because things are too easy sometimes. And sometimes, I get anxious because I feel that I may never learn what is in front of me.

Also, because of my Critical Theory class I believe everything is wrong with me. I have come to realize that this is mostly a girl problem but actually its a people problem.  Please remember, you are not alone and there are people who love you and want what is best for you.

Through Kendra Cherry's "The Conscious and Unconscious Mind The Structure of the Mind according to Freud" says that there are inner forces that are directing your behavior.  
According to Freud, the mind can be divided into two main parts:

1. The conscious mind includes everything that we are aware of. This is the aspect of our mental processing that we can think and talk about rationally. A part of this includes our memory, which is not always part of consciousness but can be retrieved easily at any time and brought into our awareness. Freud called this ordinary memory the preconscious.
2. The unconscious mind is a reservoir of feelings, thoughts, urges, and memories that outside of our conscious awareness. Most of the contents of the unconscious are unacceptable or unpleasant, such as feelings of pain, anxiety, or conflict. According to Freud, the unconscious continues to influence our behavior and experience, even though we are unaware of these underlying influences. 

Btw, kids I obtained this information from this website: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/consciousuncon.htm

Onward. So today I started DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) which is a self-help group. It is meant to stimulate you emotionally. Or I think that's what it is meant to do. So far I know it draws from studies and articles of people who have Borderline Personality Disorder. When you finally admit to yourself that you need something, someone, anyone it is scary. 

Today was a crash course since I missed two or three lessons. This weekend I am visiting my family and for those of you who don't know, it's burdensome and demanding. This weekend I need to have a wise mind. I need to balance my emotional mind with my reasonable mind. I won't lie, my life is generally composed of grandiose decisions that materialize because of my emotional mind. I react according to emotions. I have been known to cut my hair short, get new piercings and or plan adventures that I may or may not be able to afford. Either that, or I push. And for that I am sorry.

I think the beauty of all this is I may know what it is that is controlling my life, thoughts and emotions. And that helps a lot. It lifts the weight that has been there for sometime. I'm excited to see where this takes me.

Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.-- Fierstein Harvey

I Want.

I want to care.
I want to know. And to think that no matter what...

I'll be fine.
I want to love.
I want to love you. To love me.

I want to know what you know and see what you see.
I want to move and dream.
I want to live.

I want to be all and do all these things.
I want to feel passion and heartache.
I want to leave.

I want to matter.

And I'm sure you don't care.

May all you want in life be all that you have.

The Slow Rush of The Train.

Times ticks, so inevitably.
It passes like the slow rush of a train.
Drowning your thoughts in a shallow pool.
It pulls, you push.
This is life, you think.
This is it. You gain confidence knowing that this...
This is it.

In my mind, THIS is never it. There is always something more. Something more that will always drive you in some odd direction. You don't have to stop at anyone's command. But maybe, just maybe you'll pause for love.

And He says
"But maybe, somewhat,
Kind of, mostly,
ESSENTIALLY,
Largely, primarily,
Predominantly,
Conceivably, possibly,
Perchance, it might be
Feasible to say it's
EXACTLY
How I love you,
in a roundabout way."

And I love you, too.

Regardless of the disapproving looks, glances and stares. I say to that "Thanks for the jealousy. Now I know I've got a good one."